Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
