well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
