broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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