yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
