Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
