So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
