You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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