I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
