I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
