Umm I'm too high to move.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
