I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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