I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Text me some of your sweat
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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