Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
