My cat gives me a boner
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
