That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
