My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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