She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We left an ass print on the piano.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
