I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We need a shit load of segways right now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
