Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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