Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
