dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
