chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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