I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
