Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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