I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
