my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
