i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
