the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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