Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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