Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
