Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
