Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
