found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i believe in u and ur pee
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
