Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
