haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
