When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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