she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
