come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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