Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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