he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
