do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
