Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I looked at my own cervix.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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