i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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