the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
