and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
