You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
