I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
