That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
