You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
