Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
