Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need to sanitize my soul.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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