if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
