He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
